How and What to Tell the Children About Your Divorce

As a divorce mediator, one of the most frequently asked questions I receive is, “How do we tell the children about our divorce or separation?” My clients often seek guidance not only on the right timing but also on the most appropriate words to use when sharing this life-altering news with their children. This conversation is understandably surrounded by anxiety and uncertainty, as parents naturally want to approach it in the best way possible for their children’s well-being.

Below are some helpful tips for informing your children about your divorce or legal separation:

• Both Parents Should Be Present: It’s crucial that both parents are present when having this conversation. This shows a united front and provides reassurance to the children.
  
• Consider the Timing: If possible, wait until you have clarity about the logistics of the living situation before talking to the children. Being able to answer questions such as who will be moving out, where they will be moving to, and where the children will reside can help alleviate some of the uncertainty your children might feel.
• Present the Decision as Mutual: Let the children know that the decision to divorce or separate was mutual and that they are not expected to take sides. Avoid placing blame on either parent, even if one wanted the divorce and the other did not.
• Reassure the Children: It’s vital to convey to the children that they did nothing to cause the divorce. They need to understand that this decision was made by the adults and that there is nothing they could have done or should do to change it.
• Emphasize Parental Love: Reassure the children that both parents love them and that this love will never change. Explain that although the parents no longer love each other in the way that married people do, they still care about each other and will continue to co-parent.
• Encourage Open Communication: Make it clear that the divorce or separation is not a secret. Let the children know they are free to talk about it with their friends or anyone else they feel comfortable with.
• Make the Transition Positive: If the children will be living in two different homes, involve them in making the new spaces their own. For example, let them choose the color of their new room or help decorate the space to make it feel like home.
• Acknowledge Their Feelings: Let the children know it’s okay to feel sad about the situation. If the parents are feeling sad too, it’s okay to share that. If possible, let the children know that even though their parents will be living apart, they are still a family and will continue to do things together as a family.
• Encourage Questions: The news of a divorce or separation may come as a surprise to the children, or it might confirm what they already suspected. Encourage them to ask any questions they might have and ensure they feel comfortable doing so.

When discussing your divorce or legal separation with your children, remember that they will take cues from you. It’s best to wait until both parents are emotionally settled and aligned on the key messages to convey. By following these tips, you can deliver this difficult news in a healthy and calm manner, laying the groundwork for successful co-parenting in the future.

As always if you have any questions about this article, divorce mediation, or the divorce mediation process, I welcome your questions and would love to hear from you.