Navigating Divorce with Special Needs in Mind: Tailored Strategies for Families of Children with Autism

Divorce is never easy, and when children are involved, the stakes feel even higher. For parents of children with special needs, navigating the complexities of divorce can seem overwhelming. Thankfully, there are alternative dispute resolution methods, such as mediation and collaborative divorce, that can make the process less adversarial and more tailored to the unique needs of your family.

Divorce and Autism: Some Unique Considerations
There is a saying: “If you’ve met one child with autism, then you’ve met one child with autism.” This statement could not be more true—and those of you who are raising a child with autism know exactly what this means.

Divorce knows no boundaries and is indeed a reality for many families raising a child (or children) on the autism spectrum. Because autism is not a “one size fits all” condition and each child is completely unique, there are many special considerations to address when negotiating a divorce settlement. These considerations go beyond the obvious, such as living arrangements and special accommodations, and include detailed planning for treatment and transitioning to adulthood.

Treatment for Autism
Treatment for autism is an extremely important element to discuss as part of a divorce settlement. To this very day, we are still uncertain about the cause or causes of autism and have yet to find a cure. However, there are many treatments and therapies that help children with autism. In my experience as the mother of a child with autism, many of these treatments and therapies, while necessary and extremely helpful, are not covered by insurance.

The first consideration is whether the parents agree on what types of treatments, therapies, special diets and supplements, alternative medicine doctors, etc. (collectively “treatments”) to expose their child to. If they do agree, then it is important to identify whether those treatments are covered by insurance. If it is clear that they are not, then the next point of discussion should be how to divide such costs. Simply referring to “non-reimbursed medical expenses” in the divorce agreement will not be clear enough, since many treatments are not considered “mainstream”—especially when treatment includes special diets and supplements such as vitamins and minerals, all of which are extremely costly.

If the parents do not agree on the types of treatments, the agreement should reflect a method for making these decisions going forward. Is one parent more autism-educated than the other, making them the better decision-maker? Should decisions be made on an ongoing basis as new innovations are introduced for the treatment of autism? Or is there a doctor or practitioner specializing in autism that both parents trust to offer sound advice and counsel? This is an ever-changing field of study, and new treatment options are constantly being explored.

Transitioning to Adulthood
Another critical point of consideration is developing a plan to help transition the child with autism to adulthood. It is important to plan for all scenarios and address:

1. Whether the individual with autism is able to live independently;
2. Whether the individual with autism can live independently with some support (financial, personal, or both);
3. Whether the individual with autism needs constant support into and beyond adulthood.

Some children with autism grow to be very independent and obtain a driver’s license, attend college, and hold down a full-time job; others may fall somewhere below this level of independence and may live on their own but not be able to financially sustain a life of independence. Still, others may always need to live in a supportive environment that provides both personal care and financial support.

If the child transitioning to adulthood needs constant support, is a group home environment an option, or could the child continue to live with one or both parents into adulthood? If so, what about the out-of-pocket additional costs?

Will the child transitioning into adulthood qualify for government benefits? Depending on the degree of disability, an adult with autism may or may not qualify for government benefits. Even if they do qualify, the dollar amount of benefits they are eligible for may not be enough to sustain a standard of living. In determining which, if any, government benefits are available, the parents will need to consult with a special needs attorney specializing in helping families with autism.

All of this means that the parents may very well need to develop a plan to support the child into and throughout adulthood, which often requires extending support past the age of emancipation.

Collaborative Divorce: A Tailored Approach
Collaborative divorce is a team-based approach to resolving divorce-related issues without going to court. In this process, each spouse hires their own collaboratively trained attorney, and the parents commit to resolving their differences respectfully and cooperatively. The collaborative team may include other professionals, such as child specialists, financial neutrals, or divorce coaches, who bring their expertise to ensure all aspects of the divorce are handled thoughtfully.

This approach is particularly beneficial for families with children who have special needs. Collaborative divorce emphasizes open communication, creative problem-solving, and customized solutions—qualities that are essential when addressing the specific challenges of co-parenting a child with unique requirements.

Benefits of Collaborative Divorce for Parents of Children with Autism

1. Customized Parenting Plans: Collaborative divorce allows parents to create parenting plans that consider the child’s medical, educational, and therapeutic needs. This level of detail is often difficult to achieve in a courtroom setting.
2. Focus on Long-Term Cooperation: The collaborative process encourages parents to work together to maintain a stable and supportive environment for their child. This cooperative approach helps preserve a working relationship, which is crucial for ongoing joint decision-making.
3. Involvement of Experts: Professionals such as child specialists or therapists can provide guidance on how to structure parenting arrangements that prioritize the well-being of the child. They can also offer strategies to help the child adapt to the changes brought about by divorce.
4. Flexibility: Unlike litigation, collaborative divorce offers the flexibility to address evolving needs. As a child grows, their requirements may change, and a collaborative framework makes it easier to revisit and adjust agreements.
5. Reduced Stress: Court proceedings can be stressful and intimidating. The collaborative approach fosters a less adversarial atmosphere, minimizing stress for both parents and children.

Mediation as an Alternative
Mediation is another effective way to resolve divorce-related issues outside of court. In mediation, a neutral third party—the mediator—facilitates discussions between spouses to help them reach mutually acceptable agreements. Like collaborative divorce, mediation prioritizes cooperation and communication, making it a valuable option for parents of children with autism or other special needs.

Conclusion
Choosing a collaborative divorce or mediation can make a world of difference for families navigating the challenges of divorce. These approaches not only provide a more peaceful path forward but also ensure that the unique needs of your child remain at the center of every decision. With careful planning and the right support, parents can work together to provide the best possible future for their child with autism.

If you’re interested in learning more about how avoiding court can benefit your divorce, I would love to hear from you!