Understanding the Amygdala Hijack in Mediation

When a couple decides to end their marriage, there will be many stressful moments to come — sometimes those moments reach levels of epic proportions. In a high-stress argument, the heart starts pounding and muscles tense up, sometimes unconsciously. You may even start to perspire and feel like you are losing your composure. This effect is called the “Amygdala Hijack.”

The amygdala is actually two structures in the brain, one in each hemisphere, but they are usually referred to as one. It is involved in myriad brain functions, but today I want to talk about the way it influences us when we are in conflict. Under extremely stressful situations, the amygdala can “hijack,” or take over our otherwise logical portion of the brain, the frontal cortex.

For our Stone Age ancestors, the amygdala would engage in situations like a wild animal attack. Fortunately, nowadays, we don’t often need to defend ourselves from wild animals — but unfortunately, the amygdala does not seem to know the difference. It may instead engage when a verbal disagreement ensues, thereby producing an overwhelming emotional response to a situation that may be upsetting, but is far from life-threatening.

You may have heard how dangerous situations induce a “fight, flight, or freeze” response. That response is initiated by the amygdala, which essentially holds your better-thinking self, the frontal cortex of your brain, hostage until you are able to calm down.
Here are some examples of how an activated amygdala may interfere over the course of a mediation or during an argument with your spouse:

• Fight: One person’s engaged amygdala wants to fight, and they start saying things that they don’t really mean — and will likely regret later.

• Flight: A person’s flight response may impel them to bolt from the room or mediation session.

• Freeze: A frozen state of mind where a party’s brain is literally not processing what the other person is saying. It’s like talking to a person who has, more or less, mentally checked out.

What can you do if you recognize that you’re undergoing an Amygdala Hijack?

First, notice the symptoms and be aware. When you suspect that your amygdala is engaged and you are not thinking clearly (or thinking at all), stop, pause, and take some very deep, long breaths. Count to 10 before responding. If need be, take a break from the situation until you feel your heart rate return to normal and the symptoms start to subside.

What can you do if your partner or your spouse is undergoing an Amygdala Hijack?
Be aware that anything you say from that point on is not reaching your spouse’s frontal cortex. Your partner or spouse is likely not hearing anything you’re saying, and if they are, the logical part of their brain is not capable of responding in a rational, common-sense manner. Encourage your spouse to save the conversation for another time, take a deep breath, and walk away. And, perhaps most importantly, (but easier said than done) try not to take personally any arrows thrown your way while your spouse is in this state of mind.