Divorce and Significant Others

Any person who has been through a divorce will tell you that the topic of introducing a significant other to the children is a sticky one at best. Even people involved in the most amicable of divorces struggle with this.

So, the question is, how do divorcing parents navigate this difficult topic? Here are a few things to keep in mind when mediating this issue with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse:


When Is My New Partner Considered a Significant Other?
This is certainly not an easy question to answer. The new partner should, at the very least, be someone with whom the divorcing parent sees herself/himself in a long-term, committed relationship with. In other words, be discriminating on who you introduce the children to, and before doing so, really examine whether that person is a good fit for the family.


How Long Should We Be Dating Prior to the Introduction?
There is no perfect answer to this question. Some relationships start off slow and others advance at light speed. During the mediation, the divorcing couple should agree on a time frame that is comfortable to both.


Some considerations you should keep in mind when establishing the timing of an introduction are:

• How much time has lapsed since the separation?
• Are your children struggling emotionally with the divorce/separation?
• Do your children have hopes that you and your ex will reconcile?
  

Another important issue to keep in mind is if the significant other is the reason (or one of the reasons) why the marriage is ending, an introduction to the children will present a particularly uncomfortable situation for everyone.


Should I Involve My Ex-Spouse?
Communication with the other parent is key to the emotional well being of the children. Before introducing the children to your new significant other, have a conversation with your ex-spouse. If possible, have the other parent speak with the children about his or her knowledge of the significant other, and perhaps, even give his or her approval of the significant other to the children. This will take your children out of the middle and help you to put their minds at ease. It will also make the actual introduction immeasurably more comfortable for your children.


What Do the Courts Have to Say About Significant Others?
There are no laws in New York that prevent a party from introducing a significant other to the children, or that a time frame must be set for such an introduction, or that require communication with the ex-spouse prior to the introduction. Unless there is some evidence that the well being of the children would be in jeopardy, courts are unlikely to order limitations or restrictions on the introduction of a significant other to the children.


Overall, when it comes to this sticky topic, divorcing parents should always be mindful of putting the best interests of their children first; and be equally as mindful of putting their own personal emotions aside.